


Through It All

by camichats



Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [113]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Arguing, First Kiss, First War with Voldemort, Fist Fights, Frottage, Getting Together, Good Regulus Black, Happy Ending, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Minor Character Death, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sexual Content, Slytherin Sirius Black, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:21:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21566791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: When Sirius gets Sorted in Slytherin, it changes his friendship with James. They're still friends, it's just... different. Not as certain, even if they end up in the right place.
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black/James Potter
Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [113]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/752925
Comments: 16
Kudos: 187





	Through It All

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt: “Slytherin Sirius Black & Gryffindor James Potter through the years please!! There's not enough of this it's such an interesting dynamic. Can go enemies to friends to crushes or right from enemies to crushes or could be friends the whole way or friendly rivalry - whatever you think would have happened - just interested in seeing more fic that explores Hogwarts if Sirius went to Slytherin! The train scene still happened! And I think Sirius would still dislike Snape at least a bit if not a lot?”
> 
> This got waaaay out of hand. Originally it was going to be a no voldemort au that ended their seventh year but then I got the idea for a certain scene where Sirius loses his cool in a Big Way so here we are.

When Sirius met one James Potter, he'd thought lots of things. How big his smile was, how over-sized his glasses looked on his comparatively tiny head, how confident he was, how happy he seemed, how excited he was to finally be going to Hogwarts so he could be in Gryffindor just like his parents. The only thought that stuck with him over the years was much simpler than that initial rush of emotions: James was going to change his entire life. 

Sirius had sat on the stool in front of the entire school as the Sorting Hat dropped over his eyes. 

'Hmm, Gryffindor could be good for you. Yes, you have courage aplenty, certainly enough loyalty to make friends there. You could do well in Gryffindor.' 

Sirius was on top of the world. He'd always hoped to get in Gryffindor, but almost hadn't dared believe it would actually happen. He was going to get what he'd always wanted, but it felt like an icy block crashing into him when the Sorting Hat continued. 

'But no. No, I think Slytherin is the place for you." 

'Wait!' Sirius thought in a panic. 

'You will not lose your friends in Slytherin, but you would have lost your brother in Gryffindor,' was all the Hat said about it before shouting, for everyone to hear, "Slytherin!" 

* * *

First and second years had been pretty good. James still talked shite about Slytherin, but Sirius did the same and it was _his_ House. They were friends all the same, and Sirius considered marching up to the Sorting Hat and telling it that it'd been wrong and Sirius _did_ belong in Gryffindor. 

For some reason, everything changed in third year. Siruis had figured that things could only get better the older they got, but James changed. All the shit he had said about Slytherin before was now specifically about _him_. Sirius didn't have any good comebacks to that, so he just started keeping Regulus company and ignored all the weird looks people gave him for hanging out with a first year. 

"Don't you have any friends?" Regulus asked, a touch desperately. He'd barely gotten to Hogwarts and he was already shunned by all of his peers. 

"Nope." Just to bug him, Sirius threw an arm around his shoulders. "It's just you and me, Reg." 

"Don't call me Reg." 

"Why?" 

"It makes me sound like a little kid." 

"Whatever you say Reggie." 

Regulus shoved at him ineffectually. After a minute, he capitulated, giving a heavy sigh as Sirius grinned victoriously. 

The day after that, James hexed his bag so that spiders came pouring out whenever he opened it. In return, Sirius shut off all the water in Gryffindor Tower. He got detention where James hadn't, but to be fair, it was a _much_ better prank than some spiders. 

Not to be outdone, James flooded the Slytherin dormitories the week after-- doubtlessly the in between time was spent with James in the library, researching how to accomplish such a thing. He got detention that time, and for some reason the professors thought it'd be a good idea to have them in the same classroom. James said something about Sirius being a blood purist. Sirius said something about James's parents (an absolute lie, he adored Fleamont and Euphemia as much as they did him), and somehow they blew out one of the classroom's walls. After that, separate detentions. 

A month later-- a month filled with nightly detentions, a hidden broomstick, ruined inkwells, a bribed portrait, a charmed suit of armor, talking quills, and coloured rain in the Great Hall-- Professor Dumbledore called them into his office. He sat calmly behind his desk, hands resting on the desktop as the two boys sat sullenly in front of him. "Lemon drop?" he offered. Sirius took one; James didn't. Dumbledore took one, sucking on it in silence for a while as he thought. Or maybe he was daydreaming and wanted them to stew for a while, either way, nothing was said for a long time. "I appreciate the ingenuity both of you have shown, but I would like to have a school by the end of the year. If I recall correctly, the two of you were friends last year, were you not?" 

Sirius glanced at James, but it didn't look like he was going to say anything given that his jaw had a stubborn jut to it. "Last year, yeah." 

"It is, of course, no business of mine for what ended that friendship and led you to here, but it seems to me that this situation could be easily solved if the two of you talked." 

"We talk," James muttered. 

"I do not believe yelling insults at each other in the middle of your class could be considered 'talking', but perhaps times have changed since I was a young man. All I mean to say is that it would behoove all of us to be united instead of divided in these times." The usual twinkle in Dumbledore's blue eyes was gone as he said that, as serious as either of them had ever seen him before. "Off to class with you," he said with a smile. 

"Thank you Professor," they both said. Sirius noticed that James grabbed a lemon drop before he left. Once they made it down the stairs though, he still had it in his hand, rolling it around like it was a toy instead of a sweet. "Sorry," James said before Sirius could walk away. "Things... got sort of out of hand, yeah?" 

"Yeah." Not that Sirius hadn't been having fun, but he'd wanted to be doing those things _with_ James, not against him. "What got into you? We were fine until you started hating me out of nowhere." 

"It wasn't out of nowhere," James said defensively. "You were acting like a stuck up prick the moment you saw me!" 

"I was not." 

"You were so." 

"Wasn't." 

"Was." 

"Ugh we're getting nowhere," Sirius complained. 

"Figured that out myself, thanks," James said, then sighed. "Would it kill you to hang out with me once in a while? You spend all your time cooped up in the Slytherin common room, I never get to see you." 

"And where should we meet? The _Gryffindor_ common room?" 

"We used to meet in the library." 

"Madame Pince kicked us out last time." 

"Because you set a book on fire." 

"That was an accident! And the book was fine, she completely overreacted." 

"Well I say we start going there again. She can't kick us out for life." 

"She can try," Sirius grumbled, remembering the positively murderous look on her face. 

"Cheer up mate, we'll be fine." James slung an arm around his shoulders and started leading him off. 

"That's easy for you to say, you've got detention with Flitwick tonight. You know who I have it with? Slughorn." 

"He's not that bad." 

"Yeah, but he's _weird_. He keeps trying to talk to me about my grandfather, as if I give a single fuck about that old geezer." 

* * *

Somewhere in fourth year, Sirius started sneaking into Gryffindor Tower, and in fifth year, he, James, and Peter got the brilliant idea to become animagi to keep Remus company on the full moon. 

It was the morning after one such full moon when Peter and James were off to the kitchens for some food, leaving Sirius and Remus alone in the Hospital Wing together. "Don't take this the wrong way," Remus said quietly, his throat probably scraped raw from the transformation, "but what are you still doing here?" 

"Well let's see, can't leave you alone so soon after a transformation, and normally the kitchen runs are done in pairs. Add that to the fact that I was already with you and didn't want to move, and tada! I'm still here." 

"Not that." Remus had to stop to cough weakly. "I meant... y'know, us, James. Gryffindors and blood traitors or whatever else it is." 

If Remus had punched him, Sirius would probably be less surprised. "What?" 

"You know what I mean. I mean-" he coughed again "-I know that you don't get on with most of your housemates, but things're getting worse." 

Unfortunately, Sirius _did_ know what he meant by that. Nobody was willing to put a name to it yet-- not around him, at least-- but there was a threat out there. Someone was stirring up anti-muggle and anti-creature sentiments, getting together groups, and spreading their influence. Sirius was from an old family that believed in those bullshit conservative forms, and Remus was not only a half-blood, but a werewolf. He grit his teeth. "What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean." 

"I know you're not- I just mean, maybe you'd be safer... if you stopped. Your parents-" 

"Fuck my parents, I'm not going to abandon you." 

"I'd still have James and Peter, I wouldn't be alone." 

"Yeah well tough shit, you'll have to deal with me too," Sirius said, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back in his chair. 

Remus sighed but didn't try to argue further. One way or another, they'd find out how this ended. 

* * *

Regulus saw Sirius walk over to Mulciber, and he didn't really worry about it. Sirius was going to be his usual overprotective but ultimately harmless self. It wouldn't hurt anyone for him to throw a few threats around, and Regulus was even hopeful that maybe it would help him. He wasn't expecting for Sirius to haul off and punch him square in the face. 

Regulus watched the scene with wide eyes. He wanted to help, to stop Sirius from getting in trouble, but he was frozen in place. Most of their housemates were either too cowardly to intervene, figured that it wasn't their problem, or were like Regulus, too shocked to move. He expected for it to end after a couple punches, but then Mulciber was getting knocked down to the floor and Sirius wasn't stopping. 

In the end, a couple of the blokes on the Quidditch team pulled him off of Mulciber, blood staining his knuckles and resisting like he wanted to beat him to death with his bare hands. "If you ever touch him again, I'll kill you!" Sirius screamed. Regulus shrank in on himself, embarrassment creeping in. By Salazar, he never should've told Sirius what happened-- wouldn't have if he'd known that this was going to be Sirius's reaction. 

All he wanted to do was disappear, maybe leave the Common Room so he wouldn't have to deal with anyone else, but instead he walked over to Sirius-- now released because they were dragging Mulciber to the Hospital Wing, and it was obvious that Sirius was only interested in hitting one person that was no longer in the room. "What the hell is wrong with you," Regulus hissed, grabbing Sirius's arm and pulling him towards the stairs to the dormitory. 

"Nothing. Or at least nothing compared to what's _going_ to be wrong with _him_ ," Sirius sneered. 

Regulus paled. "You can't be serious. If you do anything worse, you're going to be expelled! You might be anyways with what just happened." 

Sirius scoffed, pausing in walking to put his hands on Regulus's shoulders and look at him condescendingly. "Little brother, this is the perk of being from the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black. Do you really think Dumbledore would be allowed to expel me? Hogwarts would lose one of its biggest benefactors, and he could kiss that Chief Warlock title of his goodbye. I have the best scores in my entire year even if they have the occasional disciplinary issue with me. They're not going to throw all that away." He pat Regulus on the shoulder before turning to head down the hallway. 

Regulus swallowed. Dread was crawling up in his stomach. He was terrified of what Sirius was planning, but he couldn't make himself follow. That was the first time Sirius had truly scared him, looking too much like their parents for comfort. He tried to force his legs down to the seventh year dormitory room, but he turned into his own, shaking so badly he felt like he was going to fall apart. 

Nothing would happen. Sirius would cool off, Mulciber would keep his bloody distance, and Regulus would be able to write this all off as a bad memory. What Regulus didn't know was that Sirius was already leaving the Common Room, a Disillusionment charm keeping him out of sight. 

He lifted it once he was down the corridor, not wanting for a Professor to catch him and (correctly) assume that he was up to no good. And who should see him when he was close to the Hospital Wing, but James. Bugger. That ruined his plan of not being remembered at all, but he could roll with it. He plastered on an expression that looked not as anti-social. 

"Sirius," he said, sounding surprised, but not happy to see him. "I saw Mulciber in the Hospital Wing. What happened?" 

"Minor disagreement," Sirius said mildly. He knew he wasn't keeping the anger out of his eyes though. 

"A minor disagreement that broke his nose? He lost teeth, Sirius. I know the bloke's a total twat, but you're going to get in serious trouble for this. What were you thinking?" 

Sirius dropped the semi-pleasant demeanor. "I was thinking that he's done a hell of a lot worse, and if somebody stops him now, he won't have a chance to keep on like he has been." _He's a fucking Death Eater_ , Sirius thought. _He volunteered for a brand on his arm and he tried to force my brother to do the same when all Regulus has ever wanted is for our parents to be proud of him_. Sirius was terrified that if he didn't head it off now, Mulciber-- or somebody else like him-- would succeed. Regulus was strong in his way, but how much longer would he be able to hold off when he knew it was something their parents approved of? 

James was looking at Sirius like he didn't recognise him. Anybody else would have thought Sirius was being dramatic, that he was making a bad joke; James knew him better than to believe that. "Give me your wand." 

"What?" 

"Your wand, now." 

"I don't know what world you seem to think you live in, but I'm not fucking doing that." 

"Give it to me before you do something you regret." 

"Giving it to you would be something I regret," Sirius snapped. 

James didn't look like he was going to budge. He wasn't aggressive about it, he simply was there, like a boulder that was going to block his path no matter how much Sirius tried to talk his way out of it. Unless he was willing to fight, Sirius wasn't going to make it past him. He was actually considering it when James took the wind out of his sails. It was easy. A single word, softly spoken. "Sirius." 

Sirius took his wand out of his pocket and shoved it, lengthwise, into James's chest. 

James brought up a hand to catch it, and with the other he grabbed Sirius's wrist. His grip was light, easily broken if Sirius didn't want it. "Thank you. I'll give it back in the morning, yeah?" 

"Fine," Sirius muttered, turning on his heel and skulking back to the dungeons. 

In the morning, Sirius felt like he was going to be sick. The spell he'd had in mind wouldn't out-and-out have killed Mulciber, but it probably would have ended up that way. And that's if Sirius was exacting in casting it in the first place. The room for error with a spell that dark wasn't very big. One mistake and Mulciber would have died before dawn. Zero mistakes, and he likely would have died within the next year or two. Sirius was going to go through with it. Would have done if James hadn't stopped him. Gods what James must think of him. He covered his face with his hands, wishing he would just die now and save everyone the trouble. But no time for that. The best way to make it was to fake it, right? He got out of bed and pretended like nothing had happened, not even him beating the shit out of Mulciber in front of the entire House. 

James found him shortly after he left the Common Room. He waited until he was at his side to hand him his wand back. "Here." 

"Thanks," Sirius mumbled. 

"Sorry for er-" 

"You were right to." 

James just looked at him, worried. "Still. Would you have really-" He cut himself off, shaking his head; he didn't want to know the answer to that question, and he didn't want to make Sirius think about it either. "Nevermind. You going to get your hands healed?" 

"Nah, I figure they'll keep me distracted while I'm in detention." 

_You're punishing yourself_ , James thought. He almost said it, but Sirius would get defensive and probably snap at him. He wasn't willing to risk that with everything else going on. Being right wasn't important as all that. Instead, he shrugged. "I suppose. Personally I think you should just give me a call." 

"And distract you from your homework? That would make me quite the menace to society, I shan't risk it." 

"Yeah, you never risk anything," James said with a snort, slinging a casual arm around his shoulders and heading for the Great Hall. 

"Won't it ruin your golden reputation to be seen with me?" Sirius asked, as though they hadn't been friends their entire time here except for those couple months in third year. 

James rolled his eyes, unable to help feeling a little annoyed. "Mate, take a breath and fucking chill. If you want to be alone, just say so." Sirius stayed silent. "Then stop harassing me and tell me the latest Slytherin gossip." 

"I'm not telling you what happened." 

"Aw c'mon!" 

Sirius shook his head, trying to let James pick up his mood and not let it fall again. Being close to James these days was an exercise in self-loathing. Men weren't supposed to feel this way about their best mates, he knew that much. It would take more than that for James to hate him at least, but he wasn't going to risk it. The only way this could turn out good was if James was as sick and twisted as Sirius, and there was no chance of that happening. Last night had proved that James was everything good in the world, and Sirius was _not_. 

Sirius leaned into him, feeling himself relax a little more. He had no idea what he was doing. He really didn't. 

* * *

Mulciber kept a wide berth around both Black brothers, which was exactly how Sirius liked it. He thought-- naively perhaps-- that that would be the end of it for a while. He wasn't expecting to be in the library one day and see Regulus tucked between rarely used bookshelves with Severus fucking Snape. Some people thought Snape wasn't as bad as Mulciber in the whole blood purity shit since he was a half-blood, but Sirius thought that it made him worse. He felt like he had something to prove, and it wasn't something he'd grown up with his parents telling him, it was something he'd found on his own and decided to believe. 

And now his little brother and Snape were having clandestine meetings where they thought no one else would see them. 

"Debating which opening move is the best in chess?" Sirius interrupted, leaning leisurely against the bookshelf. 

They both jumped, Regulus guiltily, and Snape in surprise then loathing. 

"I'm no expert, but I've hear moving the middle pawns is a bad idea." 

"Black," Snape sneered. He wasn't half as frightening as he thought he was, which made Sirius want to knock in his teeth that much more. 

"Not a fan? Let me guess, that's your opening move every chess game."

"We were just talking, Sirius," Regulus said quietly. 

"I'm sure." He looked at Snape. "Go away." 

Snape glared at him, then looked at Regulus, expression softening. "You're not a dog, and he's not your master. You can make your own decisions." With that, he left, whisking past Sirius like he was afraid if he stuck around Sirius was going to attack him. He probably would have. 

Sirius walked closer and picked up Regulus's bag from where it had fallen to the floor. "What were you talking about?" he asked quietly. 

"You're not my keeper," he mumbled, snatching his bag back. 

"No, I'm your brother, and I care about you. It was about that bloody gang or whatever they're calling it, wasn't it?" 

"I can look after myself," Regulus said, avoiding his eyes. 

That was as good as a confession, but Sirius knew that he was on thin ice right now. "Reg... that used to scare you. Last year, you were freaking out, and now you're considering it? I'm worried about you." 

"I'm-" Regulus stopped, running an aggravated hand through his usually precise hairstyle. "I'm not actually considering it," he hissed, looking down the line of the shelves to make sure no one would overhear. "But at the end of this year you'll be gone, and I'll be all by myself. If they don't think I'm considering it, I'll never survive the next two years." 

Sirius wanted to scream, wanted to claw a way out of here so that Regulus could be safe, but he wasn't seeing it. It wasn't possible. "I hate this." 

"Yeah well, I do too. But I don't see another way out of this unless it all disappears overnight." 

"Just- just make sure you don't actually go, okay? I don't want to lose you." 

"Good, cause I don't plan on being lost. You're planning on getting your own flat when you graduate, right?" 

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?" 

"Assuming I make it out of this bloody school with my skin intact, I'd like to have somewhere I can go." 

"Away from our parents," Sirius guessed. 

"Away from _everyone_." 

"Yeah, of course." Sirius knew that they weren't the touchy-feely types, but he gave him a hug anyways. "I've always got a place for you." 

* * *

"You're getting a flat when you graduate?" James asked, clearly surprised. 

"Yeah." 

"Huh, I'd have thought you'd stay with your parents." 

"Why the hell would I do that? I've been counting down the days until I don't have to live with them anymore." 

"That's fair. I always thought I'd stay with mine when I graduated." 

Before Sirius really meant to say anything, he heard himself saying, "You can stay with me." James looked over at him, just as shocked as Sirius himself was. "If you want," he added quickly. "Your parents are great, but sometimes you want space, you know?" 

"Yeah I- are you serious? Because if you're not joking, I'm totally in. Too bloody scared to go off on my own, but if we're sharing, then I'm not by myself." 

"Exactly!" Sirius said, grinning. Then, thinking that he shouldn't be so excited, he tried to tone it down. "I mean, right, that's good. I didn't really want to be on my own either, but I preferred it to staying in that fucking house." 

"What's wrong with the house?" 

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "There's a reason I've never invited you over." 

"I thought that was because your parents hated me." 

"That too. Also because I like your parents." 

"They're good," James agreed, and Sirius couldn't help but laugh. They didn't have problems talking to each other, not really, but this had been awkward from the start. 

* * *

When he came home to find James sat on the couch crying, it wasn't hard to realise what had happened. Fleamont and Euphemia had caught Dragon Pox earlier in the year, and at their age, they all knew how it was going to end. Sirius pulled off his shoes and walked to the couch. The second he sat down, James threw his arms around him, crying into his shoulder. 

"I'm so sorry, Jamie," Sirius said quietly, hugging him back. "I'm so so sorry." 

He was quiet for a minute, and then he said, voice thick, "It's okay. We knew it was going to happen, and they were getting old anyways." 

"Still, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone got Dragon Pox anymore, it's so stupid that that's what killed them." 

"Yeah." James sniffled. 

Sirius knew he shouldn't have said 'killed'. Why the _fuck_ did he say killed. The truth was that Sirius was getting desensitized to all the violence that was happening around them. People were getting attacked and murdered on a weekly basis by the Death Eaters. In comparison, Mr. and Mrs. Potter dying from a disease was quieter. He hated himself for even thinking it, and it certainly made him sad to know that he'd never see them again, but mostly he was thankful that they hadn't perished from something more violent. "Your parents were wonderful James. I'm sorry they're gone." 

James held him tighter. "Me too." One, two breaths, and then James was kissing him. 

Sirius jolted, but James was holding him in place so it didn't dislodge where their lips met. When James pulled back to breathe, Sirius asked, "What are you-" 

James was kissing him again, crawling into Sirius's lap before he could finish the sentence. He kissed him like he was desperate for it, held onto Sirius like he was the only person in the world he wanted. 

That wasn't right. James couldn't want him, not like that. "James, what-" 

It felt like James was determined not to let him get a word in edgewise, always kissing him again. His tongue slid into Sirius's mouth, hot and insistent and making Sirius drunk on him because he was getting what he'd wanted for years. James moved against him, rolling his hips and it was only then that Sirius realized he was hard-- both of them were. 

"James, we c-" _can't_. 

Unsurprisingly, James didn't let him finish the thought, rubbing against him with frenzied movements. It didn't occur to Sirius that he could push him off, and with that pressure on his prick-- from _James_ of all people-- he wasn't thinking much of anything anymore. They both made fucking messes in their pants, and that was around the time that James realised what he'd done. He jerked back, eyes wide. His nose was still red from when he'd been crying, and rapidly filling his expression was horror. 

Sirius kinda felt like crying himself as James fell on his arse in his hurry to get away. "James-" he said, holding out a hand to help him up, only to stop when James flinched. 

"Sorry, I- er- sorry," James said in a rush, scrambling to his feet and away to his room. 

What should've been something great was just... shite. Sirius felt worse than he did before, which was saying something given how miserable he was these days. It could always get worse, and this just did. He covered his face with his hands, the come in his pants cooling uncomfortably. He wanted to never think about this again, but he knew that if he said nothing, James was likely to move out. Right after his parents died, that was the last thing he needed. Of course he also didn't need his best mate shagging him right after he got the news, but there was nothing Sirius could do about that now. A quick cleansing charm took care of his pants, and he got to his feet. He padded to the door and knocked gently. "James?" 

No response, he knocked again. 

"C'mon, talk to me." Sirius sighed, wondering if maybe he should drop it. He didn't want to though, he wanted James to fucking _talk_ to him. He knocked again, not expecting to get a response. 

James opened the door, looking half-miserable and half-terrified, which wasn't something Sirius had known was possible until now. "I'm sorry," he said quickly, eyes trained on the floor. It was ridiculous that James was avoiding looking at him, but it meant that he hadn't seen the awkward half-fall Sirius did when James opened the door. 

"Yeah," Sirius said, feeling like his heart was somewhere around his knees. He was surprised that James had opened the door, but not that an apology was the first thing out of his mouth. "I get that." 

"I won't do it again, I swear." 

That too, was expected unfortunately. 

"Please don't kick me out."

Sirius blinked. "Why would I kick you out?" 

"For- you know." Great, he couldn't even bring himself to say it. 

"I'm not going to kick you out for that." 

"You're not?" 

"Fuck no. You were upset, mistakes happen, it's okay." 

James hadn't been moving much to begin with, but at that he absolutely froze. "Mistakes happen," he repeated. 

"Er, yeah. So, you know, you don't need to leave or freak out of anything. We're good."

James leaned into the door frame, then chuckled sadly, knocking his head against it. "A mistake. I'll be the first one to admit that the way I did that was total shite, but I was kinda hoping it wouldn't turn out like this." 

Sirius was utterly lost. "What are you talking about?" 

For the first time since running away to his room, James looked at him. "You're a good person Sirius. I don't know why you think you aren't, but you are. I've been in love with you since I was thirteen. And just- whenever I make a complete arse of myself, you don't throw me out or get disgusted, you tell me that everything's okay." 

Sirius's mind didn't know what to say to that, but his mouth was taking care of it. "That's because everything _is_ okay. You just lost your parents and you're talking nonsense Jamie. Get some sleep and we can talk in the morning." They were things Sirius had waited years to hear, but James couldn't mean it. He wasn't trying to be cruel-- James didn't have it in him to be cruel to him-- but there wasn't a chance he truly meant it. 

"Why don't you believe me?" James asked, sounding heartbroken. "I love you." 

Sirius cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Yeah Jamie, I love you too, but-" 

"Don't. Just... don't." James closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I should probably go. Someone's got to look after the mansion, the different properties and stuff. Might as well be me." 

"You're leaving?" 

He nodded, looking awfully small. 

"We're safer together. Did you hear about that attack on Dorcas's parents?" 

"Yeah Sirius, I heard. We were together, remember?" 

"Then why are you leaving? I thought we were fine, we were just saying that." 

"Actually what _you_ said was that we're fine because you don't believe me. I said- well, doesn't matter, does it? And nowhere's safe, Sirius. If we're together, it just means we'll die together, not that we'll be safer." 

For some reason, James being so despondent about it convinced Sirius of his sincerity more than when James had confessed. It was stupid-- Merlin it was _so stupid_ and Sirius did it anyways-- but he grabbed James by the front of his shirt and yanked him forward, pressing a hard and desperate kiss to his mouth. 

"I'm so bloody confused," James whispered in the air between them. He had one hand up, gripping Sirius's wrist where Sirius was holding onto him. 

"You'd be better without me," Sirius said back, just as quietly. He should've let James leave and continue on as friends who only saw each other once a week, but he was too selfish to let him go. 

James frowned at him, having to tilt his head up since Sirius had gotten taller than him somewhere around fifth year and stayed there. "Nothing's better without you. Sirius, you're... I mean, we're... you know?" 

It was another one of those moments where Sirius could easily misunderstand and push James away, but he was still gripping James's shirt and he didn't want to let go. He never wanted to let go. "Yeah, I know." 

James leaned up, slowly. Plenty of time for either of them to change their mind this time. Their kisses before had been hard and desperate, too much teeth and biting like they wanted to take a piece of the other person with them. This was a nuzzle, soft and comfortable as they held each other. Sirius's hand relaxed in the front, curving around to James's back so it was more of an embrace. 

"Don't leave," Sirius begged. "Stay with me." 

"Maybe-" James kissed him again, moaning softly when Sirius leaned into it. "I do need to look after the house. Would you come with me?" 

It was on the tip of Sirius's tongue to say yes, but loud, frantic knocking on the front door interrupted him. James let go of him and they both padded to the door, wands drawn. Sirius peered the peephole, then wrenched the door open. "Reg? Why aren't you at school?" 

Regulus threw himself forward, wrapping his arms around Sirius in a way that did nothing to hide how badly he was shaking. "I can't stay there. Don't make me go back, Sirius, _please_ don't make me go back." 

"Hey, it's okay, you're fine, I've got you." Sirius's tone was calm, but the look he sent James was downright panicked. "You don't have to go back, it's fine, you can stay here." 

"Thank you," he said, practically sobbing. 

"I'll put the kettle on," James said, fleeing to the kitchen. He had the feeling that when Regulus realised he was there for that, he'd be embarrassed, and James didn't want to add that on top of whatever else he was dealing with. 

Sirius joined him a minute later when James was still trying to find honey and cream. "Hey," he said, voice low so it wouldn't carry, "I wanted to check with you; it is okay that he stays with us, right?" 

"'Course. Did something happen?" 

"He's not saying, but I'd guess that yeah, something happened. Or maybe it got to be too much being in Slytherin with things the way they are, I dunno. I wasn't planning on pushing it." 

James nodded. Perfectly understandable, he wouldn't want to talk about it either. 

"Erm, James we're- I mean, are we good?" 

"Yeah." James took his hand and squeezed it gently. "We're good mate." 

"Great. Is now a bad time to mention that I used the last of the earl grey and haven't picked up any more?" 

James snorted, giving his hand another squeeze before letting go. "I grabbed some on my way home from work yesterday, we're set." 

Sirius's shoulders relaxed, and he smiled at him. It had been a tiring night, and it was sure to get worse. There was still stress visible on his face, but James wasn't as worried as he would've been a week ago. James pulled him in for a hug, then turned his head so he could smell Sirius's neck. 

"I know it's a ways off," he muttered, "but I promise that the next time we have sex, it'll be better." 

An involuntary shudder went through Sirius, and he tilted his head to rest it on top of James's. "I'll hold you to that." The kettle started whistling, so Sirius pulled away, unable to keep from giving him a quick kiss. "Love you. I er, couldn't remember if I said it before." 

"You did," James said, but he was grinning like he could hear it every minute of the day and still be happy for more. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a prompt driven blog @[imaginejamesandsirius](https://imaginejamesandsirius.tumblr.com) on tumblr. Feel free to drop by!


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